Tomorrow, if anyone asks you what happened at the Tonys, you can say this:

We straightened things out in the opening number, Ellen Barkin and John Benjamin Hickey took home awards for their hilarious performances in “The Normal Heart.”

Daniel Radcliffe kicked some butt, and we were so elated

Even Voldemort was sad he wasn’t nominated

Norbert Leo Butz sang and danced and tried to catch ya, comin’ atcha,

Chasing Trey and Casey ‘cause they nabbed a Tony statue

Commencing in the Chattanooga station

From the grand imagination of the Kander-Ebb collaboration

It takes a lot for a recipient to humble me

But everybody cried for gorgeous Nikki James, the bumblebee

Andrew Rannells sang “I Believe” and he landed it

So well now he’s Mitt Romney’s V.P. candidate

All across the country, from the north and to the south

They’re saying Brooke’s a hottie with a crazy potty mouth

John Larroquette brought an eloquent mood to the room

I’m still imagining him at home in his Fruit-of-the-Looms

Spider-Man and Mary-Jane gave us perspective here

They sang a ballad, we didn’t need protective gear

Patina Miller’s nun sang “Raise Your Voice” with cheer

And “Memphis” is relentless, they’re performing every year

“The Normal Heart” won, Larry Kramer made us weep

And “War Horse” dazzled us with a theatrical sweep

Sutton Foster never lost her knack

For talking smack

And tapping a full-on assault attack

I’m awesome, Hugh Jackman, take that

Go ahead and roll the credits if you need to

I’m out of control, I’m on a roll, this is my Tonys speed-through

“Anything Goes” took the best revival prize in stride

We didn’t see it, we were singing “Side By Side By Side.”

McDormand loves her job, Sutton Foster won again

Paul Shaffer sang and suddenly it started raining men

Mark Rylance runs at fences, he’s won the Tony twice

That guy can do it all, his follow-up is “Fanny Bryce.”

Norbert Butz and “Mormon” swept the floor,

Won even more awards than “War Horse”

Par for the course,

Someone get a car for the horse

And in the final analysis, what survives tonight?

Theater, because it’s what we live, we’re changing some lives tonight

And theater thrives because we live to give it, so to speak

This ain’t reality TV, this is eight shows a week

Every chorus member that you saw tonight tappin’

Had to make miracles happen

For a chance to see you clappin’

And applauding in the audience. What’s next? Who knows?

Anything goes. Now go see a ____________ Broadway show.

Thank you, good night.